


Swirling Together; Swirling Apart

by yowhothefisthis



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Lots of Angst, M/M, Not a Happy Story, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:10:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9821987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yowhothefisthis/pseuds/yowhothefisthis
Summary: Today was a Thursday, and it seemed like every other Thursday. But today was not every other Thursday, today was the beginning of an end, and if Finn had known he might have chosen a different path. Or he might not have, because it was also the beginning of a change, the beginning of his life becoming more than just a routine, more than just a mandatory list of things to complete. It was the beginning of a roller coaster; it started slow, gained speed, whirled through turns and loops, only to come to an all too sudden end, jerking the passengers forward in their seats, as they stop all too soon.





	

It was a grey day and Finn was tired. He had slept for thirteen hours, but he wasn't the kind of tired that sleep could fix. He was simply tired of existing. He didn't want to die, but he didn't want to live. He was tired of his routine, but he was too tired to change it. So he dragged himself out of his bed, same as the day before, and the day before that, and everyday he could remember. This had been his life ever since his tenth birthday, when he stopped being young and cute enough for his parents to care. Six years of the exact same thing, day after day after day. Today it was a Thursday. Nothing good happened on Thursdays, but Finn liked them. Thursdays are the day everyone just wants to rush through, because friday comes next, and everyone loves friday. Finn was overlooked too, people eyes would glance over him on their way to the person next to him, who was always prettier, smarter, more interesting than Finn. But their small glances were enough. Enough for them to judge him, realize just how much of a mistake he was.

His sneakers softly flopped in the corridors, making as little noise as possible, so he would be as invisible as he felt. He drifted on the edges, staying out of view in the shadows. Today was a Thursday, and it seemed like every other Thursday. But today was not every other Thursday, today was the beginning of an end, and if Finn had known he might have chosen a different path. Or he might not have, because it was also the beginning of a change, the beginning of his life becoming more than just a routine, more than just a mandatory list of things to complete. It was the beginning of a roller coaster; it started slow, gained speed, whirled through turns and loops, only to come to an all too sudden end, jerking the passengers forward in their seats, as they stop all too soon.

Finn first realized that this Thursday was going to be different in maths. The room felt too bright to be a grey day. The shadows were smaller, less present than they usually were on grey days. His eyes lifted from the floor, looking for the one who had shifted the aura of this grey Thursday. He was impossible to miss. Finn's eyes found him right away. He was blue. He was a shining day. He brightened everything, even Finn's grey seamed brighter in his presence. Finn was afraid. It was a grey day, it shouldn't be this bright. He had messed with Finn's routine, and nothing could be the same. When Finn looked away from him, he thought that may be it. But he was too bright for Finn to look away for long, and when Finn looked at him, he knew nothing would be the same. He had a name, Poe. He had an American accent. He had hair made of warm nights, and eyes that felt like lazy walks though the woods whenever you looked in them. Finn thought that maybe his grey would look pretty with Poe's blue. It was 9:37 when Poe first spoke to him. He said his name was Poe, and Finn told his that his name was Finn. He thought Finn was a pretty name. Finn had never thought that his name was pretty before, but now he thought it was the most beautiful name in the world. Besides Poe.

Finn was having trouble remembering the routine. It was as if everything before Poe was gone from his memory. His mind was too full of blue, bright shining blue. He was lost in a warm, cozy forest, walking though without a care. Poe spoke to him again at 9:45. He whispered, because the teacher was talking, droning on about radicals, which were far less important than Poe's voice. Before 9:45, Finn hadn't liked whispers, they were too secretive, and people were always whispering about him, about all his flaws. But after 9:45, he wanted Poe to whisper to him again, because this was the first whisper that wasn't sinister. Poe whispering was the prettiest thing Finn had ever heard, besides Poe's name. Poe wanted to know what class Finn had after maths. They both had English next. They walked through the halls together, and for the first time in six years, Finn wasn't invisible. Poe brightened everything, so much that there were no shadows left for Finn in hide in. Poe was talking to Finn, he was talking and talking, about everything, from his childhood to his pets, and Finn was listening. Finn was listening like nothing was more important than Poe, and everything Poe was telling him. Finn didn't understand why Poe was talking to him. Why he hadn't realized that Finn was a story of mistakes, why he hadn't realized that there were people who were prettier then Finn, people who were smarter, people who had stories to tell Poe, people who could do more than just listen to Poe's stories. Poe was messing with the routine again, simply by noticing Finn's existence. Why hadn't Poe realized that Finn would just dim down his light, why hadn't he realized that you weren't supposed to notice Finn's existence, that he was just a shadow. A shadow you should stay from because he was dangerous, he would hurt Poe. Finn didn't know how he would hurt Poe, but it was inevitable, because that's what happens when you notice shadows. They hurt you, they dim your light. Poe should know to stay away. But he didn't.

Poe still hadn't realized that he should stay away from Finn by end of the day. Finn figured it would happen once Poe left. He'd think about his day, and realize that he should stay away from Finn, and tomorrow everything would be back to the routine. Finn would be invisible, at home with the shadows once again, and this time would be no one to chase the shadows away with their brightness. He was still sure that this couldn't last, Poe would realize to stay away from shadows when he got home and thought about Finn, if he thought about Finn. He probably wouldn't, Finn wasn't interesting enough to think about. Everything would be normal tomorrow.

But everything wasn't normal tomorrow. It was a grey day, but Finn no longer trusted his rule about grey days. Because Poe had happened on a grey day, and Poe was undoubtedly a good thing, even if he was only for a day. But apparently Poe didn't want to be only for a day, because he rushed over to Finn and greeted him by the lockers. They walked to their first class, and Poe hadn't ran out of things to talk about, and Finn was glad, because when he ran out he would realize how boring Finn was, and find someone with their own stories to tell. Friday was the same as Thursday, although it still wasn't the routine, because Poe was there, and there could be no routine when Poe was there. Because Poe was full of change and surprise, and Finn was afraid of change and surprise. He was afraid of Poe, but he was already in too deep, and even fear couldn't get him to turn back now. Poe had only been here for a day, and Finn was already infatuated. He was intoxicated by Poe's brightness, and he wasn't sure how he had lived his life with so little color before. His classmates didn't seem affected by Poe's light, and he wasn't sure how they were continuing their life when the sun itself was in their classroom. The first time Poe kissed Finn was at 2:33, when their last lesson had ended, and they were standing in front of the school waiting to leave. It was just a goodbye kiss on the cheek, but for Finn the solar system had exploded, and all that was left was the sun, and the sun was Poe. Poe Poe Poe Poe, hair made of warmth, eyes made of comfort. Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe who smelled like winter nights by a fire, but also summer nights, dancing on the beach.

Time passes. The trees begin to bud, and so does the relationship between Finn and Poe. Kisses on the cheek were common now, but they still were just as earth shattering as the first. Finn's grades suffered, the presence of the sun in the room made it hard to focus on anything else. But it wasn't like there was anyone to care. Finn's parents had given up long ago, seven years ago to be exact. Finn was 17 now, his birthday had came and gone. Not much had happened, but that was as expected. Shadows don't age, and Finn was more shadow than human anyway. Poe wished him a happy birthday, and the next day he brought a piece of cake. Finn was surprised. He barely remembered his birthday, let alone celebrate it. It just didn't seem to matter; before Poe, nothing had mattered. But Poe made it so things could matter, Poe made it so Finn could matter, because Poe's light washed away the shadows surrounding Finn. Finn was used to Poe's presence by now, but his light still hadn't dimmed, and time spent with Poe wasn't any less magical than it had been on the first day. Time passed, but for Finn time had frozen, his days where just Poe, Poe, Poe. Finn knew that he shouldn't be this obsessed, that dependence ends in pain, that maybe he wouldn't hurt Poe, but someone would get hurt. Poe was too bright and Finn was too gloomy. Finn wasn't stupid, he knew that love could only end misery, but he couldn't help it. Poe was a drug, and Finn was a hopeless addict, doing anything for his next fix.

Poe loved spring. He told Finn of his love for spring the very first day the weather was above 10 degrees. It was still raining, because it was always raining in England, but Poe had declared that winter was over and spring was in the air. He had been so excited he had wrapped Finn in a hug, lifting him of the ground, surrounding him with his scent, masculine yet comforting, fresh yet soft and homely. Finn had laughed and decided that he loved spring too. Poe seemed like spring to Finn. Full of change, full of the promise of better times ahead. Poe was like a warm spring breeze, the kind that gently brushes your face, bringing with it the smell of freedom and lack of responsibilities. Finn wanted some of Poe's spring, he wanted his grey to be wrapped up in Poe's warm blue. He wanted to be surrounded by Poe's spring, forever. But forever doesn't belong to people like Finn. Forever belonged to people like Poe, people who were visible, people who were warm, people who had a future. Not shadows, forever doesn't belong to shadows, and Finn was well aware of this. Forever wouldn't happen to Finn. But he still liked to imagine, imagine a spring that lasted an eternity. He still liked to imagine what it would be like to spend the rest of eternity wrapped up in Poe's smell, his grey and Poe's blue swirled together until the end of time. But these were just pointless fantasies, drifting through his mind, tempting him with their tantalizing scent, so close he could almost touch them, but still always just out of reach, constant reminders that shadows couldn't have forever.

The next day it was cold again, 6 degrees, and Poe wore a brown leather jacket. It looked well loved, homey in a way Finn had never known. Finn loved it. When he told Poe this, he took the jacket off and gave it to him. He said everyone deserves a little bit of home, and it suited Finn better anyway. The day continued, not in a routine, but in the roller coaster way that all his days were since Poe had came. But the real roller coaster was only beginning, or ending, depending on how you look at. For Finn, this Wednesday was the end. Of course, he didn't know it at first, when he first greeted Poe at the lockers he assumed that this Wednesday would be just another Wednesday, but by that night, he would know differently. He first noticed something was wrong in maths, when Poe's light seemed a little dimmer, his blue a little duller than normal. But it was barely different, and if Finn wasn't so observant, he wouldn't have even noticed. He was confused, but he let it go. However you can only let things go for so long before they are back, ready to cause a vengeance. And soon the difference was back. This was not a good difference like most of the difference that Poe had caused, because that difference had been laced with hope , a tantalizing sweetness that brought color to Finn grey life, but this difference was dark, ominous, it weighed over everything, a vague grey cold with a scent that could be described as the scent of the end, the scent of a loss of hope, the scent of Finn's life losing color. It was only after the day was over that Finn began to classify the difference, because in the moment all he could tell was that something was different. 

Everything started to become clear at 11:03 pm. Finn was reading, something he had already read, but he didn't have much else to do. So he was reading, until he received an invitation. An invitation, that came over text, from Poe, to meet him by the tree on the street corner. Finn loved the tree on the street corner, he spent almost every summer night up there, with only the pressing heat and the sounds of crickets to keep him company. He had shown Poe the tree on the street corner, and Poe loved it too. Finn walked down the street, a gentle breeze playing with his hair, brushing his face, ghosting through his thin shirt. The night was pretty. There were stars dotting the black sky and a crescent moon shedding its dim light on the surrounding sky. A streetlight gave a vague glow, it's orange light reflecting in Finn's eyes. Somewhere close enough to hear, but far enough to not cause any harm, a car drove by, the vague whooshing interrupting the normal night sounds of birds and insects. It was peaceful. Finn was at peace. He reached the tree, and his peace was interrupted by Poe's silk voice.

"Finn, I love you" 

Finn was frozen, unable to move. Poe loved him, he thought he was unlovable, but Poe loved him. His body filled with something, It wasn't sparks like one might expect, it was calmer, less harsh, but still just as powerful. Hope. Hope that maybe forever could belong to shadows, hope so strong that not even the smart side of him could fight it. And suddenly he was sitting down, against the tree, its bark touching his back. And Poe was sitting next to him. watching. Poe's hand drifted up, soft and slow, as if it was being carried by a storm of butterflies. It landed on Finn's cheek, and suddenly Finn's mind was gone, blank, nothing mattered. Nothing except Poe. And then Poe's lips were on his, and Finn was blinded. Maybe his eyes were closed, maybe it was dark. But he was blinded. Blinded by Poe's light. He couldn't think, the only thing on his mind was Poe, Poe's lips who were soft as silk, Poe's hands that were tangled in Finn's hair. Poe’s blue that was finally swirled in Finn's grey, just like he had imagined the first day they met. And Finn could never describe how he felt in that moment. Looking back he felt one thing. One thing he hadn't felt since his 10th birthday. One thing that Poe had somehow managed to show him. Sitting under the tree, tangled with Poe, he felt happiness. And when they finally pulled away, the sounds of their breathing drowning out every other night sound, Finn's world was surrounding by a golden glow, a bubble keeping him happy, keeping his hope strong. But bubbles are fragile, and so was Finn's happiness. He felt as if he was floating, drifting on a cloud of hope and happiness. But hope and happiness are fragile and it only takes four words to break them, just four words to pop Finn's bubble, four words to vanquish his cloud.

"Finn... I'm leaving tomorrow" 

Leaving. Poe was leaving, back to America. And those words were the all too sudden end to the roller coaster, everyone's heads snapping back as they jerked to a stop, all too soon, the weightless euphoria they were just experiencing coming to an abrupt stop, leaving them all wanting more. Finn could feel his grey swirling away from Poe's blue, he could feel all the happiness that they had built unraveling. The universe was exploding but in a different way. In a painful way. Finn had failed. He had taken a risk and he had gotten hurt, something he had vowed never to do. Everything was shattering and it was his mistake. His mistake for think that shadows could have forever. His mistake for hoping. His mistake for letting himself become so dependent on Poe. His mistake for thinking that he could be happy.

The next day was a thursday. It was a grey Thursday, and nothing good happened on grey Thursdays.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this awhile ago and keep changing the ship lol  
> i would be open to writing a sequel or an alternate happy ending if anyone is interested so let me know.   
> thanks for reading!!


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